Growth is an upward spiral

The comfort of the struggle

Have you ever had a moment where things were going wrong and you somehow managed to make them worse? For as long as I can remember I have had to be in survival mode. Hope for the best and expect the worst was the motto. I had to be like this for so long that I primed myself into thinking that this was normal.

Theory has it that it takes between 21-30 days to form a habit (an over simplification if you ask me). While I question the time frame, I do believe that repetition over time informs one’s habits. Do you have a tendency to instinctually respond to certain things in a similar manner? That is probably habit.

Personally, I’ve only ever contemplated habitual behavior when there was something that I was actively trying to put into practice. Little did I know that the situations I found myself in repetitively, were tied to how I chose to respond over a duration of time.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the ways that I show up and whether or not they are conducive to my overall well-being. More importantly, I have began to question why it is that I choose to show up in the ways that I do. What I have come to realize, is that it is not always the circumstances that scare me, but the negative internalization that ensue after. Having to pick up the pieces of shattered glass off the floor after a tumultuous situation is tiring- sure, but kneeling over that glass and becoming harmed in the process is traumatizing.

Digging deeper and questioning these learnt behaviors has allowed me to have a better understanding of habitual self sabotage. Expanding on this, I learned to put my emotions aside to keep the peace and maintain a level of safety that was once necessary. Your inner self always knows when you’re being taken advantage of and my initial reaction to these situations -rage- was in fact justified. I can look back and say with certainty that I have come a long way from where I once was, however, the catasrophisizing that I had grown so accustomed to is in fact still present to this day. I know that this calls for a deeper integration of self, so that not only I, but my inner child, can learn to feel safe again. As I always do I will leave you with this poem that I wrote as a result of these tumultuous emotions.

I feel comfortable when I sink

Maybe I’ll get over it

But the things is

You throw three punches

And I throw four

I always manage

To get in a couple blows more

You dig a hole

And I dig deeper

You bought me for cheap

But I sold cheaper

Burrowing myself into the ground

I feel comfortable when I sink

It’s just what I’m accustomed to I guess

Panics right at the door

And I’m on the brink